Why the Hokage Drinks
by DrivvenWrinth
Summary: Dear Lady Tsunade; I feel really bad about telling this to you like this... but, I've run away with Sasuke and Orochimaru. CRACK, Yaoi, MPreg, & Violence mentioned Some character bashing for humor.


Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of it's characters. I make no money from writing this. I do receive the personal satisfaction from having made my betas laugh.

A/N: Okay, I got this e-mail the other day. I'd seen it before, but this time a muse jumped up and bit me on the arse. Anyway, the original e-mail is at the bottom. I don't know who wrote it, I didn't and do not claim that I did.

Big thanks to my Beta! FairyNiamh! She helped with the concept and I tried to get her to let me post this in our joint account, but she said no! So, thanks hon!

--

Iruka stopped off at Naruto's apartment to invite his former student and adopted little brother out for breakfast, their favorite, ramen. He hadn't seen Konoha's most unpredictable ninja in a few days and wanted to check in on the blond.

The door opened when he knocked on it. It wasn't like Naruto to leave the door unlocked. Even is Konoha was one of the safest places to live, he was a shinobi and thus had enemies. Iruka was a little concerned, but who knew, maybe Naruto had been in a hurry. The young man could be forgetful and impetuous at times. Iruka was just going to leave Naruto a note to come find him and they'd eat lunch or whatever together.

He stepped into the apartment and was immediately concerned. The place was clean... Naruto's apartment was never clean. Iruka spotted a scroll on the kitchen table. Iruka hadn't even known that the pile of junk that had always been in that corner of the room was a table. The scroll bore the Hokage's name. Iruka began to freak out as he broke the seal and began reading.

_Dear Lady Tsunade;__  
__  
I feel really bad about telling this to you like this... but, I've run away with Sasuke and Orochimaru. I'm telling you in this scroll, to avoid a big scene and possibly some deaths. I have discovered that I love the duck butt hairdo bastard and want to share in his quest for more power. _

Iruka's heart stopped beating. It didn't restart until he was running across the roof tops.

The door swung open with a crash. Tsunade glared at the Academy Sensei who stood panting in the doorway. How dare the man interrupt her daily sake ritual, "Lady Hokage! Naruto's run away!"

Tsunade sputtered. "What?!" Iruka thrust the scroll in her face just as Jiraiya and Kakashi poof-ed into the room. Tsunade began to read. Her face turned an odd shade of green. "I want Kakashi, Genma, and Jiraiya NOW!" Every Anbu in the tower heard the command through the wall. They were all moving. Hoping to get out, get the required ninja, and live to see tomorrow.

She paced back and forth waiting for the men to finally arrive. Just like those three to be slow when an emergency was going on. Tsunade continued reading, aloud, as she waited for the required ninja to make an appearance.

It's not just that. A few months ago, I found Sasuke and we had sex. Somehow the curse mark made it possible for him to get pregnant. He swears it's mine and not Kabuto's or Orochimaru. I believe him and want to build a life with him and our child. Even if I have to share Sas with the pedophile and his ghoulish henchman.

"You wanted to see us Lady Hokage?" Kakashi asked in his usual bored tone.

"You interrupted valuable research time! This had better be important Tsunade." Jiraiya was pouting.

Genma wisely kept his mouth shut. He just nodded as Tsunade's head came up. The look on her face was indescribable and terrifying.

"Uzamki Naruto has run away to the Sound." She began to re-read the scroll out loud to the assembled ninja. Iruka was sobbing softly as he tried to bite down on his fist and pace the entire length of the office.

_Sasuke says that we will be very happy together. He already has a hut for us in the hidden Sound Village base and is waiting for me to join him. He says he wants lots more kids. That's why I have to share him with Orochimaru and Kabuto._

_I hope that they will be able to find another vessel. Sasuke is so sweet and deserves a good life. Even if they don't I will stay by his side and love him for as long as I can and then raise our children to be powerful ninja._

Tsunade paused. She felt lightheaded and sick to her stomach. Kakashi's mismatched eyes popped out of his head. Jiraiya was sputtering and choking incoherently. Genma was the one who spoke. "What the fuck?!" It wasn't eloquent, but it did sum things up. Tsunade continued.

_Don't worry about me. Everything will be fine. I'm eighteen now and I know how to take care of myself. I'm sure that once Orochimaru and Sasuke have destroyed the village, or maybe while they are, we will be back to visit, so you can get to know our kids. __  
__  
__Regards, __  
__Naruto __  
__  
__PS None of that stuff is true. Konohamaru and I are in Suna. Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a little paint on a monument... Send a bird when it's safe to come home._

_  
_"Monument?" Iruka turned to Tsunade and looked out the window behind her for the first time. "Oh Sweet KAMI!!" The whole group turned as one and got an eyeful. Just below the neck of Tsunade's carved head, someone had taken paint and drawn, crudely large target like circles, obviously representing very large...

"Oh look, it has big boobs just like yours!" Jiraiya said without thinking. Kakashi's eye twitched as he tried not to laugh. Genma did laugh. He couldn't stop himself. The blond kid and his lackey were dead meat!

Heat began to rise off of Tsunade's body. The giggling men behind her didn't notice. They were too busy behaving like prepubescent morons. Iruka was gasping like a landed fish. His mind just beginning to catch up to what had happened and what hadn't happened.

She whirled on them and stood up so fast that the desk went flying over the men's heads. When it shattered against the wall behind them, the fight or flight reflex kicked in and even Iruka was smart enough to flee.

"Get me Anko! Kurenai! and Sakura NOW!" First she was going to have them destroy one sanin and two jounin, then they were going to go to Suna and drag two very dead young men back to be killed, repeatedly. She'd kill them and then Sakura could bring them back so she could kill them again!!

The original e-mail. I have no clue who thought it up, but it's funny as h&ll!!

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we w ill be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card. That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.


End file.
